(This part was written when I was still in
Munich)
It’s my last day in Munich today, and I now
I should be excited for the Europe tour, but I can’t help feeling sad. This
experience wasn’t what I expected it to be at all. I managed to be patient
enough to put up with my roommate (which is a whole another story all
together). I manage to live for 2.5
months away from my friends (who honestly are what keeps me afloat most of the
time). And the point of this post: I met the dude. Code name: NPBFAG. I feel
like I’ve become more independent? Maybe independent isn’t the word.
Adventurous? Open to risks? I’m not too sure what changed, but something
definitely did. I’m not going to be
dramatic and say my life has changed because of a guy, because it didn’t. I’m
going to start taking responsibility for the things that happens in my life,
whether it is good or bad.
As I was trying my hand at online dating in
Munich, trying to cash in on my exotic-ness in a foreign land (which totally works,
by the way), I met NPBFAG. I initially doubted if we’d click or not, based on
our conversation through text. But he offered to watch Hellraiser with me,
which I’m totally down for. I never thought I would be Netflix and chilling,
but here we are. I think he ended up being more disturbed by the movie than I
was (I was totally fine lol), and I remember trying to crack jokes so the
atmosphere wasn’t too scary. We actually
started to hold hands halfway through the movie. He asked so politely too,
saying, “May I?” and holding out his hand for me to hold.
After Hellrasier, he put on Doom, which I
have mentioned I’ve watched before. And so did he, so I knew I’m about to get
some pretty soon. Soon enough, we were making out and clothes were coming off.
I was so into it that I didn’t even feel self-conscious about my dark inner
thighs. He never mentioned it either, which I appreciate. He was really
attentive the entire time, making sure I felt good before he did. I am not sure
if he really did enjoy eating me out but he certainly acted like it was his
favorite thing to do. Once we were actually having sex, he looked directly into
my eyes and said, “You are so beautiful.” Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like
I’ve never been called that before (*hair flip*), but usually guys say that
BEFORE sex, and it’s to get into your pants. The fact that he said that when he
already was getting what he wants, it touched me a little bit. I know it may
have been because of hormones, or in the heat moment, but I know it made me
smile to myself on the train ride home.
(Written when I came back cause I couldn't write it while my roommate was there ugh)(Also I almost cried lol)
I met him a total of 5 times I think. I
even asked him out on my birthday, and he actually got me a birthday present!
He even made a reservation at an Italian restaurant; it felt like an actual
date. And honestly, I really enjoyed myself that day. Even with my shoes
painfully digging into my heels because I stupidly wore new shoes that day, I
think that was one of my favorite days of my Germany stay. The last two times we met, I felt like I
didn’t fully enjoyed myself. I was feeling sad the entire time, thinking, “I’m
probably never going to see him again”. I was already getting so attached to
him. And I know, I broke the sacred rule of hooking up: never catch feelings.
But we got along so goddamn well, from my perspective anyway, I can’t help
myself. He made me feel so pampered, so wanted. It was a wonderful experience.
I thank him from the bottom of my heart; he really did make my Germany stay
amazing.
On the very last day, I bought him a
birthday present as well, since he told me when it was, and I would be on my
tour of Europe by then. I bought him a lighter with the tiny monk of Munich on
it. He seemed really excited and told me about the history of the tiny monk.
Which, side note, I found it really cute that he has so much knowledge on the
history of Germany. He also gave me an album that his brother made! And again,
wonderful night but with a underlying feeling of sadness. While I was lying in
his arms for the last time, I did confess to him that I was very upset that
that was my last day in Munich. The implication that I would miss him was
clear, I hope, and he told me to close my eyes and try to hold this feeling in
my memory forever. I honestly felt like crying. Hell, I’m crying now as I write
this. I still remember his damn scratchy beard lol. And on the way to the train
station, he held my hand the entire time. When we reached the train station, we
hugged then entire time before the train came. When I saw the train coming
towards the station, I finally muster up my courage and asked him if he wanted
to stay in contact, because I didn’t know if I was just delusional and it was a
one-sided thing. He just nodded and kissed me for the longest time, all the way
until the train stopped and I had to get on. By then I could only squeak out “
I’m going to miss you!” before I jumped on the train. I did hear him say: “I’m
going to miss you too.” before I got on though.
Now that I left Germany, I’ve texted him
twice. We had pretty decent conversations each time, but I stopped because I
didn’t want to disturb him. He hasn’t initiated one since. And I know it’s my
own fault and stupidity for the heartbreak I am feeling now, but I can’t help
it. And I know I have no right to, but if I find out he is already moved on to
another girl, I’ll probably be upset. First time in my life I felt so connected
to someone; I had to have it taken away from me. And yes, I do feel more
connected to him than my first relationship. We never talked about our past or
issues or whatnots, only about hobbies and interest, but I really felt like we
clicked really well. Plus he watched DRAG RACE with me. Goddamn it I miss him
so much. I really hope he felt something too, and I’m not crazy. Maybe he just
moves on really fast? I can only guess at this point.
I keep telling myself I should feel regret,
because I feel so hurt now (unreasonably, but whatever), but I honestly am glad
I met him.
Guess I’m not cut out for hooking up.
(Watch me do it again and get hurt again *shrugging
emoji*)