I'm not getting better. Every time I think I'm getting better, I see you or get reminded of you and it's back to square one. I wanted to talk to you more, be friends again, but I really underestimated how much effort I needed to ignore my urge to grab you and never let you go. Just standing there smiling already left me so tired.
I don't want to cut you off, I really don't. But when I see how pathetic I get because of you, I reconsider. Running to the toilet in the office at random times because I feel a crying fit coming, I look down on myself. But in the end, you are too important to me.
But I won't have a choice soon, right? You'll get the final say on if we stay in contact or not. I'm so scared you won't want to. I'm absolutely terrified if you do. How do I react in either situations? I give so many advice on how to be an adult and do the right thing but all I want to do is beg for you to come back but that will never happen. I will not let it happen. You will never let it happen.
I don't want you to be important to me anymore. I don't want her to be important to me anymore. Yet I still love, still care for both of you. Why is my brain not listening to me?
Is this what being an adult feels like? I don't want to grow up anymore.
I want to cry and hide and never come out.
But I won't. Because I can't. Responsibilities are crushing me and I don't know what I'm going to do.