It's just a dull ache now. I wonder when will it fully subside. To be completely honest, I don't want it to because that would mean I let you go. I don't want to let you go. I still miss you. God, I miss you.

I still hold my bolster at night pretending it is you.

When I smell someone with your cologne outside, I still look for your face.

I kept this blog alive because I can't let go.

All these things I do, I wasted time on, for what?

Your name use to come up so much in my conversations, now I consciously avoid talking about you. I want to be ok again, but that would mean I have to leave a huge part of myself behind. I say the ache is dull, but it's probably more appropriate to say that I just refuse to let it consume me, not totally anyway. It hurts just as much as when it happened, I just got used to it.

I am slowly losing it. I don't know if I can handle this much crappy feelings on top of a shit load of stress from school. That's another thing that is slowly killing me from inside. I absolutely abhor having so much stress. I try so fucking hard but it doesn't make any difference, I'm still at the bottom of my class. I try to catch up but the shaky basics of mine is of no help. It's just the start of the second week of school and I'm already behind. I feel so tired already, I can feel what's left of my happiness and my soul leaving my body. I wonder how much longer I can last. I want to just run off and actually do and study what I actually is interested in.

Where's my hope and dreams? Oh right, in the drains.