Offence Intended.

Enjoy life,

there is plenty of time to be dead.

Stress and crap.

Monday, August 11, 2014

It's just a dull ache now. I wonder when will it fully subside. To be completely honest, I don't want it to because that would mean I let you go. I don't want to let you go. I still miss you. God, I miss you.

I still hold my bolster at night pretending it is you.

When I smell someone with your cologne outside, I still look for your face.

I kept this blog alive because I can't let go.

All these things I do, I wasted time on, for what?

Your name use to come up so much in my conversations, now I consciously avoid talking about you. I want to be ok again, but that would mean I have to leave a huge part of myself behind. I say the ache is dull, but it's probably more appropriate to say that I just refuse to let it consume me, not totally anyway. It hurts just as much as when it happened, I just got used to it.

I am slowly losing it. I don't know if I can handle this much crappy feelings on top of a shit load of stress from school. That's another thing that is slowly killing me from inside. I absolutely abhor having so much stress. I try so fucking hard but it doesn't make any difference, I'm still at the bottom of my class. I try to catch up but the shaky basics of mine is of no help. It's just the start of the second week of school and I'm already behind. I feel so tired already, I can feel what's left of my happiness and my soul leaving my body. I wonder how much longer I can last. I want to just run off and actually do and study what I actually is interested in.

Where's my hope and dreams? Oh right, in the drains.

7:03 AM | Return?

History repeating itself.

Friday, August 1, 2014

I never do learn, do I? I want to end it all so I can move on, but as hard as I try to stop talking to him, I keep finding myself replying to his messages. I cannot pretend that I don't want to still keep him in my life. For what, I have no idea. I'm too scared to pursue a relationship with him, not that he wants to, and I don't feel like we can go back to being just friends either.

Now I feel like entertainment for when he's bored, a back up plan in case he has nothing to do. I want to believe that he still views me as a friend, but it just doesn't feel that way. Even if I don't, I still do it anyways. I still reply, still agree to meet him even when I know he'll back out last minute. I even make plans over plans with him because I know it won't happen. But I still feel like shit every time. Why do I still do this? Why do I do this to myself? Is this some sort of deep seeded self hatred? I'm punishing myself for not being good enough? Better yet, why is he doing this to me? What have I done to him? I'm an agnostic and I find myself almost praying for this to end. They say either it works out or it doesn't. But this feels stuck in between. Or it's not working out but I'm still denying it.

I haven't really cried over him for quite some time now, but the urge to start again is there. I don't want to go down the path of using distractions to blind me from my problems. It's not fair to the person, and I don't feel much better anyways.

I still miss his presence. I still miss talking to him. I miss the times where I can text him and I don't feel like I'm disturbing him. I miss feeling like he actually wants to talk to me. I miss smiling at his messages.

I felt a change in him too, I want to not care, but it hurts me.

I went from looking forward to his replies to dreading them. How did I get here?

Why can't I just take my own fucking advice. I'm already seeing the cracks in my behavior.

9:09 AM | Return?