At the start I didn't even realize you where asking me out on dates. Museum exhibition on one day, a movie the next. I barely noticed it was just you and me because I felt so at ease, so comfortable with you. It was only after you pointed it out later on then I realized how obvious it should have been to me. And when you actually told me and asked me out, I was smiling for days. Nothing could dampen my mood.
I remember how you stole my first kiss from me; catching me unaware on the escalator because that's the only way our height difference wouldn't cause a problem. I just smiled and looked away. But it was because I felt like I was blushing so hard I couldn't make eye contact with you. And the butterflies in my stomach, I felt it for hours.
I remember the first time you held my hand. It was a few days after. It felt so right, so natural. Later you told me you waited to hold my hand cause they were sweaty when you were with me. You have no idea how flattered I was. Me, a girl people give a second glance to only because they've never seen a fat girl dress like a skinny girl. I made your palms sweaty. I was already in too deep.
When you first held my hand up to your lips to kiss, I didn't know how to react. It was the sweetest thing ever. You maintained eye contact the entire time too. Made my heart race like I just ran up the stairs. You definitely knew what you where doing to me.
When you kiss my forehead, I was a goner. I realize it's one of my favourite things. It made me feel loved, like you really cared for me. You did it so often too. I would have to hide my face in my pillow at night because I was smiling like an idiot thinking about it.
This was all after we were good friends. I loved talking to you; we would go on and on about shows we both watch, we would recommend each other shows, make overly sexual remarks to each other. I really thought we got along well, and I really care a lot for you. I would reprimand you for your shitty mid-term results because I knew you could have done better. I would try and stop you from doing shitty things because I thought you were better than that.
When you stop doing all those things, I didn't know what to do. I tried giving you space, I tried to ask you what's wrong, nothing seem to help. I couldn't help you. I didn't even know if I was the problem. All I know was that I missed you so much.
When you told me you would never love me, my heart broke. I didn't understand how I could want to give you so much and yet you don't want any of it. But I tried to be ok, I know I cannot force you to love me. I tried to piece my heart back again. After all, we were still friends, I still care for you.
When you moved on so quickly, all my effort I put in to being ok was all gone. I appreciate you giving me a heads up, so I could cry beforehand. And boy, did I cry. And after a month, you told me that was over, I said I told you I was sorry to hear that, because why would you not feel bad? You just ended things with someone, I thought you would be at least a little sad. You sounded fine. Did you not feel anything for her? By then I already got that sinking sensation that I mean even less.
A few days back, you finally start talking to me again, and I was so happy. You asked why I didn't stay during graduation, I admitted I still have feelings for you, which I still do, and that would have been awkward. You said you would give me some space to get over you. I appreciated that.
But the next day, you asked if I would be your fuck buddy. I didn't even know what to say. It was then when it hit me how little you think of me. I mean exactly nothing to you. I was so upset, I AM still upset. I thought I was at least a friend. To think you KNEW, you fucking knew, for a fact that I still have feelings for you and used that to try to just get a quick fuck. Did I not give enough to you? Am I really that expendable that you couldn't care less if I stop talking to you? I'm so disappointed. You will never know how much you hurt me.
But nevertheless, you gave me numerous happy memories and that's what I'm going to remember you by. I'm going to miss you so fucking much, and I know I said I will always want you in my life, but I don't think I should be friends with someone who will never give a shit about me. And I have a feeling you will have no problem with this. I hope you will remember me by the happy moments we shared as well. We had some great times, but this is the end of the chapter.
Labels: The End