I'm STILL sad. It's not because I'm weak right? I just miss him so much, but I can't talk to him anymore. I want to stay friends, but he seems uninterested.

I'm that replaceable huh? That hurts me the most, I think. To see people moving on to the next part of their life with me behind, not missing me one bit. Did I not affect your life? Not one bit? I at least had hope to bring people laughter and joy. I fail with certain people I guess. Well, you win some you lose some, right?

I feel so fucking stupid. Why did I have to put my whole heart into something that wasn't a sure thing? I thought I was more careful than this. I thought I knew him. Even if you are going through some shit now, can't you spare me a fucking minute? I have feelings too, you know. I have problems too. I have to vent. I have to cry. But I can't because I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. At the same time, I wish someone would just hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I want honesty from my friends, but right now I kind of need a comforting lie.

And yes, I know everything I said in that paragraph is what I feel before I start reasoning with myself. Weakness of mine; giving people the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to be a person that is careful but I give in really easily. I'm such a disappointment.

I DON'T WANT TO BE COLD AND JADED. I REFUSE TO TURN INTO MY MUM.

I AM GOING TO BE A LOVING FRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND AND HOPEFULLY A LOVING WIFE. SOMEONE HELP ME BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. I WANT A LIFE WHERE I AM ACTUALLY HAPPY. NOT JUST PROJECTING A PART OF ME THAT IS VAGUELY AMUSED BY EVERYTHING. LIKE TOTALLY, UTTERLY IN LOVE. Where's my fairy tale? I don't even need that I just need a story. Cause right now it seems like I'm in a short chapter of someone else's book that is ending soon. I don't want to end. I don't want people to forget me. I WANT TO BE MEMORABLE, DAMNIT. I want to see people I knew my whole life when I get old.

Wow. I'm going through the anger stage of grieve huh. (I forgot what's the next stage, bargaining? Sounds about right.) I shouldn't be embarrassed, but I am. I thought I had more self-respect than to pine after a guy that thinks nothing of me. Get your shit together, Si Min. You have nothing if you have no principles.

Is there a way to have this blog self-destruct after I die?

Although, that way, I truly would be forgotten. Oh, what a dilemma.