Offence Intended.

Enjoy life,

there is plenty of time to be dead.

It's about time.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

I have to let you go. I have to.

You will live your life and I will live mine. We will be happy. I hope you will be. I hope I will be.

I will still cry occasionally, for a while more.
Just give me a while more.

I can't stay angry or sad anymore, I need to be a better person when the right one comes along. I don't want any emotional baggage I got from this to be weighing that person down.

I will save the love I wanted to give to you for that person. Someone that will reciprocate the same way. Because if you didn't care for me at all, then frankly, you don't deserve it. I wish you did though. Oh, how I wished. But chemistry isn't permanent, I guess.

I hope you will realize you can't keep everyone at arms length, one day you might push someone that you want to stay with you away, then you will regret it. You will find love, you just have to trust. The right person that is. I do hope you will find that person.

I will try my best not to feel sad anymore, but I will miss you.

11:20 AM | Return?

Final lap.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Hello, misery, my dear friend.

This is it. I have no right to be upset over him anymore. But I know I will. I can only hope it last only for a while.

I feel so betrayed, so unwanted. I don't get why can't you just tell me the truth? If you didn't want me anymore why didn't you just tell me? Is it my fault that I took our relationship too seriously? I will not apologize for caring. You said that you don't think you should have a relationship right now and now this. I thought I was your friend, yet you treat me like a fling. Was it all lies? I know I'm not exactly desirable or someone to be proud of but still. I. WAS. YOUR. FRIEND. Fuck you. I should hate you but I won't. I can't, and that makes me so angry. I still care and I still have feelings for you and it's waiting to burst but I can't let it.

I fucking miss you and you are right there but I can't touch. SO FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU AND YOUR IMPULSIVENESS TO START SOMETHING YOU KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO END. If we had stayed friends I wouldn't be this upset over it, I would have been a little jealous and that's it. You had to make me fall in love and rip it away. It takes two to be in a relationship but it only takes one to end it. And I had to be the idiot crying over you. I hope you are happy, at least one of us should be.

In the end, beneath all the anger and hurt I'm feeling now, I do wish you all the best. I just can't help but feel hurt and bitter that you moved on so fast. Was I that unimportant? I lasted shorter than her too. Damn, I'm lousy at this. At least you bothered asking. That's nice of you.

Open letter to myself,

Shhh, Si Min, it's just your insecurity whispering. Don't implicated other people. He has the right to do whatever he want, date whoever and whenever. You cannot expect him to miss you as much as you do him. You can be upset, but you will be ok. If you are that unimportant to him, you don't have to care that much anymore right? Try, you can do it. Compartmentalize everything. Sorrow is useless, throw it away.

Learn how to be more indispensable, less people will leave you that way.
Work hard till people need you.
Be less useless than now.
You only have your whole life ahead of you. Which considering it is for me, it's pretty short. So no time to mope around, ONWARD TO POWER OVER PEOPLE AND HAPPINESS.

Hello, putri. Hehe.

6:51 AM | Return?

Mistakes were made.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Seems like I forgot to change the link on my facebook page to something else before I poured my feelings and thoughts on to this blog. I have made a huge mistake.

Time to change my name and flee the country.

Url is from the Marilyn Manson song because him from that era was AMAZING. Also it's one of my favourite song.

Sell my soul for anything, anything but you.
Hell yeah.

Labels: stupidity

7:53 AM | Return?

Baby steps.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

I'm STILL sad. It's not because I'm weak right? I just miss him so much, but I can't talk to him anymore. I want to stay friends, but he seems uninterested.

I'm that replaceable huh? That hurts me the most, I think. To see people moving on to the next part of their life with me behind, not missing me one bit. Did I not affect your life? Not one bit? I at least had hope to bring people laughter and joy. I fail with certain people I guess. Well, you win some you lose some, right?

I feel so fucking stupid. Why did I have to put my whole heart into something that wasn't a sure thing? I thought I was more careful than this. I thought I knew him. Even if you are going through some shit now, can't you spare me a fucking minute? I have feelings too, you know. I have problems too. I have to vent. I have to cry. But I can't because I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. At the same time, I wish someone would just hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I want honesty from my friends, but right now I kind of need a comforting lie.

And yes, I know everything I said in that paragraph is what I feel before I start reasoning with myself. Weakness of mine; giving people the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to be a person that is careful but I give in really easily. I'm such a disappointment.

I DON'T WANT TO BE COLD AND JADED. I REFUSE TO TURN INTO MY MUM.

I AM GOING TO BE A LOVING FRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND AND HOPEFULLY A LOVING WIFE. SOMEONE HELP ME BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. I WANT A LIFE WHERE I AM ACTUALLY HAPPY. NOT JUST PROJECTING A PART OF ME THAT IS VAGUELY AMUSED BY EVERYTHING. LIKE TOTALLY, UTTERLY IN LOVE. Where's my fairy tale? I don't even need that I just need a story. Cause right now it seems like I'm in a short chapter of someone else's book that is ending soon. I don't want to end. I don't want people to forget me. I WANT TO BE MEMORABLE, DAMNIT. I want to see people I knew my whole life when I get old.

Wow. I'm going through the anger stage of grieve huh. (I forgot what's the next stage, bargaining? Sounds about right.) I shouldn't be embarrassed, but I am. I thought I had more self-respect than to pine after a guy that thinks nothing of me. Get your shit together, Si Min. You have nothing if you have no principles.

Is there a way to have this blog self-destruct after I die?

Although, that way, I truly would be forgotten. Oh, what a dilemma.

6:59 AM | Return?

Things to remember.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

You can fall in love with someone that doesn't love you back. It is not your fault, or theirs.
You can leave. Even if you don't want to.
You can cry. You are allowed to have feelings.
You are not an idiot for missing someone who doesn't want you. You cannot control what you feel.
What you want isn't always what's best for you.
Focus on what's ahead in your future, it's not the end of your world.
When it feels like you are never going to move on, remember : You are doing something now, you didn't stop living your life because it ended. You went to work, met your friends, laughed and cried. Just keep doing things until you can think of him or her and not feel like a gigantic piece of horseshit.
If you keep thinking you are not good enough. Then you won't be good enough. Get off your fucking ass and do something about it.
They won't come back. They made their decision. Forcing them will result in nothing. Nothing that you want, anyway.
If you don't regret, you won't learn.
Be civil. You are not a child.
YOU CAN BE HAPPY. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.
Try your best to get out of this country. This society kills dreams and morals.
Do what you want as long as you don't hurt other people. Unless they hurt you, then fuck them up.
Wallow in sadness for however long you need to. Just remember that you could be doing more important things.
You can be loved. Your friends love you, remember this, if anything.

Labels: Reminders

5:50 AM | Return?

Too much all at once.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

I don't know if it's my paranoia or I'm loosing friends left and right. I'm much too young for this ok, they are not old and dying, stop leaving. It's not funny anymore. I know everyone has their problems they are dealing with, this doesn't mean friends should be ignored. It's like the only people left are those who I duped into thinking I'm fun to be around and they unwittingly became my life long friends. Love you guys.

Although, I kind of understand why. You. I know it's different, that things won't be the same. I can feel you loosing interest in me. I can feel this friendship sliding down to an acquaintance relationship. I can't stop it and it hurts more than when I realize we were never going to be more than friends. I really miss you, you know. I keep trying to tell myself that you were playing with me and using me the entire time, but I cannot deny the fact that I was so happy when I was with you. I know it's not fair for me to feel this way and I should let you go if you don't want to stay in touch any more, but damn it, you promised. You promised we will be friends even if it doesn't work out. Or were you just saying that so I wouldn't pursue that matter?

I think would feel better if I knew you were taking this hard too. Or am I easy to forget, or replaceable? I guess I am. But then again, if I knew it didn't matter to you at all, maybe it will help me get over you sooner. Might shatter my heart in the process though.

Every time I see your name on my phone, I get excited. Maybe you were going to ask me out for a movie like old times. Maybe you would want to discuss the new episodes of all the shows we follow. Will that ever happen again? You make me feel like shit even if we aren't together, maybe I should stop trying and just give up on this friendship.

I feel so lonely. So, so lonely.

The next time I better fair better than this. The first one hurts the most right? Because if the rest hurts as much or worse, god knows how I'm going to survive that. Writing my feelings and working them out on this blog helps, but I need to talk to someone. But no one is available. Everyone has bigger problems than me, and I'm just here crying because someone hurt my feelings. Fucking hell, even I'm annoyed at myself.

Looks like I should make friends with orphans, they would understand my philosophy of 'friends are family too' and never leave me, right?

I SHOULDN'T BE AFFECT BY THIS BUT I AM. I CARE OK, I CARE IF PEOPLE I LOVE LIKE ME OK . FUCK ME. I JUST WANT FRIENDS, WHY IS IT SO HARD. I THOUGHT I WAS EMOTIONALLY WELL-ADJUSTED. WELL I'M NOT.

Ok I lied, I want more than friends, I want a family. A nice loving, supporting family. A family that wouldn't make me feel like my life is pointless and useless. A family that cares, and is not afraid to show me they do. A family that stays with me.

Why am I no one's priority? Seriously, not even near the top of anyone's list at all. FUCKKKKKKKK ME.

God I need to get past this stage soon. I need to get hot and get laid.

And here begins the downward spiral towards my downfall.

8:31 AM | Return?