Crossed a milestone in my life. Thought I would have handled it better. Maybe if it was someone else I wouldn't feel so heartbroken.  Although promises were made to stay friends, you doesn't seem like you want that. I know I can't force you, neither of us would be happy that way. I just hope I can remind myself enough times that I believe it. If we never go back to before, well, here's what I want you to know.

I really enjoyed the times I spent with you, you made me feel very loved, even if you didn't. I really, really appreciate our friendship, I will be so devastated if I have to let it go. But I will if I have to, I don't want to be the one that brings you unhappiness, I care too much for you. You told me you don't love me, but I hope you care for me a little, at least as a friend.

Here's what you won't want to know:

I love you.

I do, I'm not saying this because I'm pretending I'm in a romance movie, or I think if you knew that you would come back to me. I know you won't, you are like me, we understand what we should or shouldn't do even if it hurts. I just want you to know, that I truly love and care for you. It didn't start when we got together, or when we were flirting, or when I was pretending I wasn't interested in you. I already love you when we were close friends.I love you as much as I love my other friends and that is a huge deal for me.  I know people don't place friends before family, but for me,  friends are family that I've chosen. You are family to me, it doesn't matter if we are together or not. When we were together, I just loved you differently, but no less, no more. I never told you that I did because I didn't want to put pressure on you, and also because I was afraid, of something like this, ironically.
I recently lost one of my good friend as a friend, so I'm feeling particularly upset and vulnerable, so I might try and force our friendship to be intact, so I apologize in advance for that.
I know I won't show you this blog or this post, maybe one day it will find it's way to you then you will know how I feel, but I'm beginning to realize writing is actually a very good form of therapy. For me, at least. If you do find this, I hope you are happy. There is absolutely no sarcasm or bitterness in that sentence. I really, truly, wish you all the best in everything.

If there is anyone that finds this blog, it's a secret between you and me ok? You are not allowed to talk to other people about it.