Am I unlovable? In the romantic sense I mean. I know I'm as a good of a friend as I can be, and I know my friends love me, but it feels like I only inspire platonic love and not anything else.

People that supposedly should love me don't. My family, relatives, him.

I don't understand, I put my heart into it, how did it turn out like this? I know there is no 'how'. I can't blame him for not feeling it, and I should know how to handle 'I don't love you' by now, but still. I had hope. Maybe it's a 'first heartbreak' thing.

I should probably listen to my own advice, do the right thing and just let him go already. Nothing I do will change his feelings, but then again, nothing I do will change mine.

I just need someone to hug me, kiss me, show me affection, love me unconditionally. I've never had the privilege, and I want to feel wanted, to be someone's top priority. I just want to know what that feels like, to have someone to think of me as special and important. I hope it feels as good as the movies portray them to be. But I'm not exactly easy on the eyes, so I can only imagine.

I'm going to write what I want to tell you here because I know it's unfair to say it to you but I just have to get it out of my head.

Dear you,

You don't need to try to love me, just be one of my best friends like before. Or just a friend. I meant what I said when I told you I'll always want you in my life. 

I know I will be ok without you and I can be happy without you. But before anything else, you are my friend, and I want to share happy times with you.

Please don't leave me, I don't want to miss you. 

But if you do, don't forget me. 

Even if you didn't love me, you certainly made me feel that you did at the start, so thank you. And if I ever see you again, smile when you see me, will you?

Sincerely,
Me.

Maybe in 10 or 20 years down the road I'll laugh at how ridiculous this post is, and how theatrical I am acting over this, but future me, you know how much it hurt at that time. First heartbreak are the hardest I guess. Especially when you lose a best friend(or two, remember her?) along the way. Hopefully, we turned out ok!

Remember, if you have lost sight of who we were: Do what you want as long as it doesn't hurt other people. Get laid, have fun, love completely. Nothing to lose, right?

How did this post turn out like this? God, I have to keep track of my thoughts.