Offence Intended.

Enjoy life,

there is plenty of time to be dead.

Milestone.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Crossed a milestone in my life. Thought I would have handled it better. Maybe if it was someone else I wouldn't feel so heartbroken. Although promises were made to stay friends, you doesn't seem like you want that. I know I can't force you, neither of us would be happy that way. I just hope I can remind myself enough times that I believe it. If we never go back to before, well, here's what I want you to know.

I really enjoyed the times I spent with you, you made me feel very loved, even if you didn't. I really, really appreciate our friendship, I will be so devastated if I have to let it go. But I will if I have to, I don't want to be the one that brings you unhappiness, I care too much for you. You told me you don't love me, but I hope you care for me a little, at least as a friend.

Here's what you won't want to know:

I love you.

I do, I'm not saying this because I'm pretending I'm in a romance movie, or I think if you knew that you would come back to me. I know you won't, you are like me, we understand what we should or shouldn't do even if it hurts. I just want you to know, that I truly love and care for you. It didn't start when we got together, or when we were flirting, or when I was pretending I wasn't interested in you. I already love you when we were close friends.I love you as much as I love my other friends and that is a huge deal for me. I know people don't place friends before family, but for me, friends are family that I've chosen. You are family to me, it doesn't matter if we are together or not. When we were together, I just loved you differently, but no less, no more. I never told you that I did because I didn't want to put pressure on you, and also because I was afraid, of something like this, ironically.
I recently lost one of my good friend as a friend, so I'm feeling particularly upset and vulnerable, so I might try and force our friendship to be intact, so I apologize in advance for that.
I know I won't show you this blog or this post, maybe one day it will find it's way to you then you will know how I feel, but I'm beginning to realize writing is actually a very good form of therapy. For me, at least. If you do find this, I hope you are happy. There is absolutely no sarcasm or bitterness in that sentence. I really, truly, wish you all the best in everything.

If there is anyone that finds this blog, it's a secret between you and me ok? You are not allowed to talk to other people about it.

7:43 AM | Return?

Future me.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Am I unlovable? In the romantic sense I mean. I know I'm as a good of a friend as I can be, and I know my friends love me, but it feels like I only inspire platonic love and not anything else.

People that supposedly should love me don't. My family, relatives, him.

I don't understand, I put my heart into it, how did it turn out like this? I know there is no 'how'. I can't blame him for not feeling it, and I should know how to handle 'I don't love you' by now, but still. I had hope. Maybe it's a 'first heartbreak' thing.

I should probably listen to my own advice, do the right thing and just let him go already. Nothing I do will change his feelings, but then again, nothing I do will change mine.

I just need someone to hug me, kiss me, show me affection, love me unconditionally. I've never had the privilege, and I want to feel wanted, to be someone's top priority. I just want to know what that feels like, to have someone to think of me as special and important. I hope it feels as good as the movies portray them to be. But I'm not exactly easy on the eyes, so I can only imagine.

I'm going to write what I want to tell you here because I know it's unfair to say it to you but I just have to get it out of my head.

Dear you,

You don't need to try to love me, just be one of my best friends like before. Or just a friend. I meant what I said when I told you I'll always want you in my life.

I know I will be ok without you and I can be happy without you. But before anything else, you are my friend, and I want to share happy times with you.

Please don't leave me, I don't want to miss you.

But if you do, don't forget me.

Even if you didn't love me, you certainly made me feel that you did at the start, so thank you. And if I ever see you again, smile when you see me, will you?

Sincerely,
Me.

Maybe in 10 or 20 years down the road I'll laugh at how ridiculous this post is, and how theatrical I am acting over this, but future me, you know how much it hurt at that time. First heartbreak are the hardest I guess. Especially when you lose a best friend(or two, remember her?) along the way. Hopefully, we turned out ok!

Remember, if you have lost sight of who we were: Do what you want as long as it doesn't hurt other people. Get laid, have fun, love completely. Nothing to lose, right?

How did this post turn out like this? God, I have to keep track of my thoughts.

6:48 AM | Return?

Talk to me.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

How are you doing?
I want to ask but I'm scared. Scared that you'll say you're fine. Scared that you'll say you're not.

At this point I don't even know who this is directed to. I just want to know how are they doing. I miss you. All of you.

I am really grateful for all those who stayed. You make my world go round. Love you all.

Those that left. Hope you are all doing ok. Wish you were here.

I have no idea why I'm suddenly feeling emotional, maybe it's because I still don't know what really happened. I don't want closure, I don't want it to end. It's selfish, but I don't want you to be ok without me, but at the same time, I don't want you to be miserable with me. I want you to be happy, but I want me to be happy too. Maybe I'm being melodramatic, maybe it's not about me and I'm being self-centered, maybe I'm selfish, maybe I'm too young and stupid, maybe I get too attached. What's wrong with that? I don't think I did anything wrong, so why do I feel punished?

I've been told that I get very emotionally attached very easily, and that's one of my best points. That I don't see any relationship, be it romantic or platonic, to be a responsibility or a burden. I honestly never knew that people see it that way. I do things for other people because I want the people that I love to be happy. It's not a responsibility for me because it makes me happy as well. Please don't ever feel like a relationship with me is a responsibility or a burden. If you don't feel happy, you don't have to pretend you're fine, let me know, rant and get angry, I don't care. I will be there for you the entire way. I may not be good at consoling, but I am a good listener. I can just sit there and stay with you. If you want to be alone, tell me, I'll give you space, but please don't cut me off. Tell me you are not leaving forever because I get scared.

I think it is the best and worst trait to have. Best in the sense that, if you love me, you know for sure I will love you with all my heart and give you all I can, each and every one of you. Worst in situations like this, where I don't know where I stand, or don't want to know where I stand.

I want to stop feeling so upset, but I don't know how to. Do I accept it, or do I try and fix it? Do you want me to try? Or are you better off without me? I don't know what to do. I'm trying to drown myself in something else, anything else, but I still can't run away from times when I am alone and all I can think of is my problems.

I don't want to feel like I am the part of your life that you need to get rid off. I want to bring you joy and happiness and love. Yet I'm the most self-deprecating and hopeless person I know. I want to be strong and love myself. I want to feel like I'm worth the best for me. But I can't help but feel like I'm not worth anything. I know how annoying it is to keep having to tell people they are worth much more than they feel like, but I really cannot see myself as anything good. And when something like this happens, it further solidifies this feeling.

I'm so dependent on people's love and affection, it's unhealthy. I need to feel loved and wanted. So when I get cut off, I want to just sit down and cry. I know I should respect myself, know that no matter what happens, there are other people that love and care for me. But it feels like suddenly a lot of important people in my life are gone. Friends means family to me, so when they leave, it hurts as much as cutting off a family member for normal people. It hurts and no one feels good. At least, I hope I at least meant enough to them for them to feel upset over it.

Although I really appreciate the rest of my friends for being there for me, I feel like I shouldn't burden them with my problems that seems so tiny next to theirs, or having them worry about me, stopping them from feeling happy. I just want the people that I love to be happy, preferably with me in their life, that's all. So why can't I just love myself a bit more?

I want to crawl out of the hole I dug for myself, yet I keep digging and getting sucked into negativity. I don't even know if I want to help myself.

I'm so fucking terrible at life.
How do I even advice people when I'm this fucked up. God, I'm irresponsible.

I have to get my shit together.

6:56 AM | Return?